Just returned from "vacation"...it sucked. Normal nightmares of course, but this time I was hearing voices - my grandfather's voice. Sometimes I couldn't understand what the 'voice' was saying, other times it was clear. It scared me really bad...
So, my ex started talking to me again last night. And his roommate. His roommate actually came over at 3am to talk to me. See...my ex dated this girl we call "bitch woman" she cheated on him and used him and broke the poor guys heart. Well, ever since bitch woman, he's been afraid to get to close to anyone. I can definitely relate to that since I'm afraid of trusting anyone I get close to. So now I'm not sure if I should believe him...
So as I've mentioned before I'm going out of town Saturday.
I pissed off my ex and I really need to talk to him because my period ended 4 days early and according to google and web md, it could be implantation bleeding...nor me or my ex remember the last time we had sex...well in pissing off him I also pissed off his roomate who is also a friend of mine..so now I'm not going to get to hang out with HIM on Friday as planned, and then one of my friends is pissed off and won't text me because I'm not over the stupid ex that I pissed off yet. UGH! And the female friend that I was going to hang out with has an ear infection so SHE can't hang out either and she's getting all pissy because I'm disappointed? =/
Sorry I actually freaking care that I'm not going to see my friends for 4-6 weeks and more than likely can't text them daily.
I have to start packing tomorrow, and I hate that I don't have this outlet the entire time I'm going because guess what - no internet at my sister's house. Or cable. I'm addicted to Law and Order: SVU and One Tree Hill and when new episodes start THANKFULLY they're on network TV. But other than that we have my DVDs, and I get the 6th Harry Potter for Christmas. I think we'll end up having a Harry Potter Marathon leading up to the 6th. =]
Is it weird that I love Law and Order: SVU though?
"She falls really fast really hard" - a text one of my "friends" sent to her ex when I started dating him.
I want to start writing again...a song. I think I'll post it on here when I get done. Yeah. I have a lot on my mind right now. My ex wrote this rap and for some reason it made me cry... where my name was supposed to be, I put [my name]
life is a fucking maze; man im caught up in a daze. Dont know exactly how i feel; what the fuck is the goddamn deal. I use to know my own heart; everything was perfect like a symphony by mozart. Knew what i wanted from the start; now i need a crash cart. I'm crashing from the lashing of all my fucking emotions; hurry i need a fucking life potion. CHOURUS Im sorry everybody; i must admit that i've just lost it. so now im leaving; for a lil bit. get my shit together and get rid of this stormy weather. VERSE 2 Yeah thought i had figured shit out until some goddamn doubt crept back in; started to take over and win. I figured i date [my name] again. it felt like we were right, but then i began to lose the fight. Felt myself drifting away; how could i stay? she deserved better, so i had to let her go. you should know that it hurt so bad; like a child that just lost their fucking dad. i was mad at myself for what i've done. SHIT! where is the fucking gun? put it to my head; one shot then im dead. CHOURUS AGAIN VERSE 3 as u can guess im in a fucking mess. after seeing her cry; all i wanted to do was die. knife to my kneck; i was ready to end it in a split sec. or instead one shot to the brain. now im dead no more pain. then i realized that would have been my real demise. so i fought through it only to get hit down again; i was going to lose a friendship in the end. it was because of the past; camt beleive i lost my mind so fast. trying to get it back; just cut me some slack. im mangled from this wreck; feels like im being strangled at the neck. im losing oxygen; fuck it im not going to win. i cant defend against this attack; time to close my eyes and fade to black. chourus x 2
I've posted on my facebook several times about my nightmares and my dad - whom I'm kinda close to - has pried trying to get me to tell him what they're about. I've contemplated several times writing both of my parents a letter and telling them everything. But I don't want to talk about it.
Why I don't want to tell them: 1. He's dead, so why do I need to? 2. They're going to try and make me go see a therapist, and I don't trust counselors and such...my High School Counselor never helped me. 3. What if they don't believe me? 4. They're going to want to talk to me about it. 5. They both miss my grandpa, and I don't think it's right for me to soil his name.
Some nights I ask myself how they could have not known...but they had no reason to question...
It bothers me to think that nobody noticed that he'd come into the bathroom when I was taking a shower and 'help' me get dressed when I got out...he never ever did that to my sister. I question if she knew. But she's only a year older, and I also question why he never ever touched her. I could sense jealousy from her that he paid more attention to me, but she's oh so lucky. I would give my life for my sister...and I feel like I have. I'm scared of being hurt...and what guy wants to stay with a damaged girl?
The first person I ever told about the molestation was when the nightmares started getting worse. I hadn't slept for 3 days...and it was towards the end of my senior year. My friend, let's call him A, noticed something was wrong one day in English class. He had spent a week locked up for trying to kill himself, and had become an expert at seeing things wrong. I was nearly crying- and I told him everything right down to the handful of pills I nearly swallowed the night before. He told me that we were going to go talk to our counselor. He ended up telling her how I was feeling, but wanted me to tell her why. She guessed. Lucky for me since I was 18 and I lied and told her the suicidal feelings had been several days earlier, the conversation stayed between us. She was supposed to help me find some help, said she'd call me back in later on that week. I never heard from her about it again.
After that I told 3 online friends...desperate for someone to talk to. We don't bring it up. So my mission failed.
I broke down and told another real life friend about it along with the guy I was dating at the time simply because of my nightmares.
Keeping the sleepless nights from my parents is quite easy - they don't pay that much attention. I started working out late at night when I can't sleep but I tend to overdo it and either get really sore or make myself sick.
Why can't I make these nightmares go away...
There's a picture hanging in the hallway that my mom put up. From my grandpa's wedding - my sister and I were flower girls. Me and my grandpa. He was kneeling down to kiss me and I was turned away towards the camera. The molestation had started long before then...
I remember my grandpa had moved into an apartment near ours- so my sister and I would often go over there. My dad loved it because he didn't meet his dad until he was 18. One day my sister was at a friend's house so I was at my grandpa's alone. I remember that I was sitting on the floor and he was laying on the couch...it was against the same wall as the window and I remember the light coming through. He pulled out his penis and asked me what it was. I replied, happily "pee-pee". He told me to stand up and pulled down my pants, pointing at my privates, and asked if I knew what it was. I happily replied, "tee-tee".
From there there's bits and pieces...
At the same apartment I remember being naked and someone being at the door, my grandpa put me in his bed under the covers and told me to pretend to be asleep. I don't remember who was at the door though.
I remember him sitting his recliner and offering me to join him for "cuddle time", then grabbing a blanket. Nobody noticed his hand under the covers slipping down into my underwear.
I remember getting out of the shower, knowing that I had locked the door, and finding him sitting on the toilet waiting with a towel. Toweling me off, rubbing baby oil or lotion on me, and helping me get dressed then brushing my hair. I was well-capable of dressing myself, I was doing my own laundry around then.
I remember laying in his bed trying to take a nap and him deciding to come join me. His hand slipping under the covers in a ritual that had become familiar.
I remember the day his wife and my parents told us he was sick. He had cancer. No more cuddle time. I remember how disappointed I was. Now - I'm happy it ended.
I wonder now, if it would've stopped or not had he not got cancer. I cry when I think what it could've escaladed too, ask if it would've stopped when I got my period the year after he died. If it would've escaladed to rape. If anyone would've said something to us still having cuddle time as I turned 11,12, 13, older. If I would've been able to control my emotions when I realized what had been happening.
